O’er hills o’black
and grass o’ blue,
the wolves did track
and the pups did croon.
The colours, though off,
did froth in their mouths
and the elders did scoff
of teal doves heading south.
The trees, a strange hue,
hid bones made of straw;
brittle books stay overdue,
their stories remain undrawn.
Though one colour dark
did hide in their jaws
of the wolves who did mark
the road red with their paws.
Their skins did melt
with the infinity of a pattern
which burned as they felt
the heat of day’s lantern.
Back into the caves
these beasts did retreat,
for the sun did enslave
their lust to eat.
I was inspired to write this poem after a presentation of Lewis Carol for a Writer Seminar. In the poem, “Jabberwocky,” Carol describes a strange world filled with creatures we are not familiar with, like the Jubjub bird, the Bandersnatch, and of course, the Jabberwocky. After this piece was presented, I emulated it and came up with only a couple of the first stanzas, seen above. I wanted to make a world that was not so outlandish as to have far fetched animals, but to be the same as our world, just with different colours. The hills in the story are black and the grass is blue, whilst the doves that are mentioned are actually teal. However, the wolves in the story do not have a specific colour, as they are a strange pattern instead. The only colour that shows in the wolves is actually the blood of their victims on their mouths and paws, which stays the same hue of red. I did this to demonstrate how even in a strange world, we are still human on the inside. My favorite part of this piece is the third stanza, telling about the bones of the people who were eaten. Though rather grotesque, these bones represent how the stories of the victims will not be told, as they will never be found, thus “overdue.” In retrospect, the entire poem seems like an LSD trip or something, but I guess that’s just another way of interpreting my story.
Mole, Ronda. “Hunter”. Photo. pinterest Unknown. Jan. 14, 2016. <https://www.pinterest.com/pin/322922235757731392/>
Dear Lucas,
I’ve really enjoyed reading your writing this year. You blow me away every time! This piece has also blown me away—job well done. I really appreciate the whole idea of having this world where colours are reversed; it makes for some interesting imagery. And it totally messes with my head, but in a good way. 😉
My favourite lines are: “O’er hills o’black/and grass o’blue.” To me, these lines are very memorable, something that I can’t seem to get out of my head. I truly believe that if a poet can leave a reader with at least one line that they will remember, then that poet is doing a pretty good damn job of impacting their readers. Thus, you are also doing a pretty good damn job too.
In terms of critical feedback, I don’t have too much to say. One thing I would suggest is that you try to match the syllable count for each of the lines to ensure smooth flow. For example, I felt like you did great with the first seven lines, in terms of matching the syllable count. However, in the eighth line—“of teals doves heading south”—I felt like that nice flow was broken a little.
When I want to match my syllables, I find it helps to read my piece out loud. Our ears help catch anything that sounds funny/off.
Other than that though, I don’t really have any complaints. I also appreciated the rhymes in this poem. They were meaningful and not cheesy, which can sometimes happen when a person tries to rhyme.
In your description, at the end of the poem, I like how you said your poem might seem similar to an LSD trip. I personally think it made perfect sense, especially since you clarified the meaning of the poem. And for the record, I am a big fan of “LSD trip” writing. Seriously, that’s why I like Alice in Wonderland so much. It made absolutely no sense to me at times, but I still found it to be quite entertaining.
Thanks for sharing this AMAZING piece.
Never stop writing,
Jade